What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
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And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
same vibe as tangled headphones
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.