What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
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My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Free him
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid