Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.

What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*

Me: This is going to be so great.

*sleeps for 4 hours*

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.

[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

Hubs: If you could sleep with…

Me: THOR!!!

Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.

Me: Ohhhh…

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

I only say stupid things when I talk.

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.