What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
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We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no