What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
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Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!