What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
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Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
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(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.