What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
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The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.