Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….

Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

#HatDadJoke

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds

Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!

Nurse: what’s her name?

Me: well we both love Kit Kats

Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?

Me: meet Wafer

I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂

Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.

ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game

ME: so crying is competitive now?!

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭