What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
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I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.