What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
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To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’