What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
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air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]