Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?

Same post same

[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.

…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”

I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.

corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them

Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”

Me: “Got it.”

*shits pants*

Going to look at the small picture for a while. Tired of seeing the big picture. Too much picture.

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

meanwhile over on facebook

My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.