What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
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list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
cry laughing at this shit
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
