What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
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one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
There is no “ea” in Tim.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
A friend helps you before you need it
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*