What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
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Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
who wore it better?
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.