“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
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“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
when you order from DoorDastardly
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me