“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
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I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
I finally found a reason to live again.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
How I like cutting carbs
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.