“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
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[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*