Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.

When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.

5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

Husband: my back hurts

Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???

My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”

When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.

Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I have no natural predators.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I literally live here.

God: yes.

Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?

God: exactly.

Gorilla: who is?

God: it’s kind of hard to explain-

Lion: did you tell him yet?

anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.

*crashes your wedding

Why aren’t you answering my DM?!

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶

Optometrist: “You need glasses.”

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??