Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

knights of the ikea table

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.

Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

me: how do we ask nicely

him:

me: go on

him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah

BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day

this was the best i’ve ever seen

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1649751169692999681/pu/vid/480x480/UQ0U1-M38Yrd_PtK.mp4?tag=12

My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.

1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark

2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”

Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.

We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face

Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”

Me: “Literally just name one.”

When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.