What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
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99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
My typo game is string.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
so this horse walks into a bar
