What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
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I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
airing out the snack pack
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
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Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.