Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.

*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep

The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters

I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police

The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.

WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?

ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back

Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.

I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground

Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency

I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.

Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup