What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
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Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
dads on road-trips be like
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi