What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
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KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?