What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
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“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Leonardo DiCaprisun
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”