What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
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captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I missed you with all my darts
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Every. Damn. Time.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.