What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
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Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Old old old old old west
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead