Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say

[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius

M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.

if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.

Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes