What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
You Might Also Like
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Pretty much! 😂👀
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack