What even happened today?
You Might Also Like
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?
me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Alexa! How many calories does wrapping presents burn?
– me through a mouthful of chocolates that were supposed to be a gift
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written