What even happened today?
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An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
#Caturday
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?