Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…

*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.

I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.

[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”

Guy: “It’s completely full.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.