Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?

My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

Me, flirting😏

Sunday

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.

Relationship status:

I’ve put my ear hair in braids.

Get at me.

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.

I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene