Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me

One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.

Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.

me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.

ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players

CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.

I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras

yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.

Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:

“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”