what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
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*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut