what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
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If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud