what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
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“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
okay run it by me one more time
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.