What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
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Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
logging onto twitter…
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.