What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
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My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!