Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”

“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.

I’ve been drinking.

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

me: this is my horse, mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you

ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator

A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

What do you call a denim expert?

A jeanius.

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is

my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk

GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.

honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000