Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: He’s crowning!

King Charles: please don’t say it like that.

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond

Me when I wear 4 inch heels

the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?

Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

Me: Do that thing I like.

Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*

SISTER: i’m engaged!

ME: awwwwwwwwewwww

SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there

ME: …no

Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…

[wife is gone]

me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings

10: did mom say you could?

me: it’s my house too!

10: but did she tell you that you could do that?

me: I can do what I want

10: I’m texting mom

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.