What flavor cupcake are these
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*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope