What flavor cupcake are these
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every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you