What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
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we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
🤣🤣🤣
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.