Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈

Me – Why?

6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂

Me – 😢

“Do you moan when you eat?”

Me, making small talk in an elevator

Finally

6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down

Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?

Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.

what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?

One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.

If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had

judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit

Put the is in disheveled

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-