Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.

NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash

“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵

Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.

3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.

I was an ugly baby.

It’s been downhill since then.

Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”

My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”

Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.