Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

How does someone manage that 🤨

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

*Infinite space outside*

A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now

Me: Please don’t

Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰

Me: Omg 3 please

FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

A fight or flight situation.

Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.

I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.

Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.

microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.

For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.

Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.

Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.