“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
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Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.