Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

guilty

My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”

~ Tom Hiddleston

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.

His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”

#FreeRocky

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

“Nevertheless”

~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!

⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.

Husband: “What’s for dinner?”
Me: “Nothing”
Husband: “I had that last night!”
Me: “I know,I made enough for two nights.”

“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”

“Different fathers?”

“Shark attack.”

My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up

My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”