What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
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me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…