What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
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“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Mummies are just super modest zombies
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head