What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
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Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
imagine getting destroyed like this
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
