What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
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One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Sponch
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes