What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
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There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Every damn time
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”