What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
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Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.