What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
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victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?