‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
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What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
bears
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
A friend sent me this.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD