‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
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My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”