‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
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You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
this is the best day of my life
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
a god among men
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.