What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
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I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
this is funnier than any friends episode
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Gods work.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Probably my best painting.
how much for the angry fruit?
