Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.

Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.

Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle

Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…

Chaffing.

That’s all I’m saying…

I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”

*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it

Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!