What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
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Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Oh hi lol
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
It’s on my to-do list.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.