What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
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My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Bike for sale
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.