what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
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I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
How animals would run if they were human
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it