what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
You Might Also Like
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Still my favourite meme.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.