What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
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putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan