Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…

“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”

workin bro its a thursday

My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

11,780 cans of beans on the wall…

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.

Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name. lol.

God: are you serious?

Owl: no i’m Owl : )

God:

Owl:

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

You had me at “define legal”.

I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.