What happened to the other hiker??!
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Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.