What happened to the other hiker??!
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My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I think about this a lot
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.