what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
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You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
To whom it may concern,
My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.Many thanks
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
You are what you delete.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.