what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
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Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”