what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.