Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?

My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.

“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts

These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times

-me during my whole shift

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

Polite kitties have good etiquecat

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.

It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.

*me being romantic*

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”