what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
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Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.