What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
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Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Pretty much! 😂👀
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.