What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
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I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice